How To Swear Without Swearing.

Are you prone to large amounts of swearing and want to swear a little more creatively?

Do you have a no-swearing bet that you have to fulfil but still want to swear anyway?

If so, then this article is for you! Today I will discuss ways to swear so that people don't realise that you're swearing.

Disclaimer: Author is not responsible for any insanity/social repulsion due to this article. Use tips at own risk.

1. Swear in another language. No, not Swahili. Or any other human language for that matter.

Instead, why not opt for an alien language? Taking a leaf from Star Trek's Klingons, a famous Klingon insult is: "Your mother has a smooth forehead!"

Why not put it in Klingon: Hab SoSlI' Quch!

WARNING: Do not use this on Trekkies, apparently it is bad enough to start a war. The last thing you need is a fan jabbing you in the eyes with his pointy ears.

Now you know why smooth foreheads are so insulting.

And if service is slow at restaurants, or if the darn salesgirl cannot get you shoes in size 37 1/4, you can say this: Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam. (Today is a good day to die.)

Ah, and not to forget Vulcans! However they are a more...civilised race and I can't find many authentic language insults. However, I did find many intelligent Vulcan ways of putting standard English insults! These were taken from this forum.

English: Die in hell. (Dunno if this is accurate.)
Vulcan: Decease in a highly exothermic environment.

English: I fart in your general direction.
Vulcan: I release flatulence at the likely coordinates of your position.

Why don't you dudes figure these ones out:
1) You seem to be an entity that is entirely composed of the posterior opening of the alimentary canal.
2)I wouldn't mate with you if you were the last sentient in the galaxy and I was deep into the most powerful Pon Farr ever experienced.

Don't know what Pon Farr is? Click here!

Live long and prosper, you mother*censored*. I swear this was the message in the movie.

2. Make up your own swear words.

Think about it, if you do make up your own swear words no one will understand them except you, and you get the satisfaction of swearing too!

My sister calls me a Mohibi sometimes. Now it's supposed to be an awful insult from her, but every time I hear Mohibi, you know what I think of?

A Mohibi= Mohawk wearing baby. You can't get mad at someone who compares you to such an adorable thing.

So try it out. Call your annoying little sibling a Mohibi. Your dog. Your cat. Your gerbil/hamster/pet snake.

Because secretly, we regret the fact that our mothers never made us into cute Mohibis when we were young.

Kid, be proud of your hair.

3. Just swear without words.

Ah we have the Italians to thank for this one. Very eloquent. Express your anger using a simple shaking of your hands, and various twirling motions! Image below from http://www.wonkette.com/

Make sure you swipe you hand from under you chin appropriately. Otherwise it'll look like you're trying to tickle yourself to make yourself laugh. Which can look pretty desperate and give others the impression that there is no laughter in your life. Hmm...there IS laughter in your life, right? *raises eyebrows*

Ahh, who doesn't know this gesture?

All in all, maybe sometimes swearing is too much trouble.

And now I will leave you in peace. Have a nice day! 

Buddha Says.

I have not been the most religious person in my life. My visits to various Buddhist temples mostly involve some Chinese New Year prayers. I don't read the sutras everyday. I don't really go vegetarian.

But one thing Buddha says is VERY true. Its "Desiring is suffering."

But I mean, isn't it human nature to desire? We want to be so much better than we are now, to move forwards, to evolve and such. Then I realised it probably meant personal desire, materialistic desire.

Like how we want new cars, clothes, items, gadgets. I think so. I have seen so many fashion blogs and wishlists--sometimes I wonder what is the drive behind people that causes them to shop and buy and consume and use all these garments, all these accessories.

It's good to look presentable, but why do we keep chasing these fashions? Since they probably repeat every decade or so.

I've faced cases where I wanted things really badly. It was 'suffering', you could say. You want it so badly that you find yourself sucked into a vortex and you cannot come out because your oxygen tank is at the very bottom of that vortex.

For me, the things I have wanted are quite intangible. For example, more friends. Having grown up a painfully shy kid, I suddenly wanted to mingle more for fear of missing out. I guess I musnt've been terribly good at it, because sometimes I make friends whom I cannot keep. I'm not horribly close to people from my primary and secondary schools, though sometimes I wish I had been. It's difficult for me to maintain friendships by calling people if I don't see them every day.

Probably explains why my Facebook wall is so randomised. The people I know are random and all over the place. Friends come, and go.

Also, having grown up with a pathological fear of the opposite sex, there was probably a point when I would have traded my left kidney just for some male attention.

Heck, my left kidney and a slice of my liver. Perhaps I was 'suffering' whenever I'd see a dude with a chick and they were all so happy and la-la-land and all. It was a bit of a 'wallflower' moment, a bit of a 'why not ME???' moment.

I think, screw it. We only want the things that people have. We want the attention that someone else is getting, and we know it. I listened to Buddha. I tried to stop wanting stuff and just let my personality develop.

And at the end of 16 years or so, you have this semi-sarcastic, random, sci-fi crazy chick who is writing internet poop. You know what, I kind of like her. I suppose if you cannot like yourself you can't really expect other people to want to befriend you. And maybe once you feel at peace with yourself then other people won't see your insecurity. Ergo, much easier to talk to others.

When I stopped wanting I felt a bit better. And strangely, now I do somewhat have what I want. Buddha, you are one cool dude.

Pardon this somewhat narcissistic post. I like writing things out. At least I hope that this internet poop will benefit/entertain/make you laugh with pity in some way. 

Some Things I Learnt After Talking To People.

OMG, like hi, readerrsssss!

Pardon the beginning. I believe we should keep things interesting. So. Helllooo!

Anyways when I was young I hardly talked to people. Wasn't the most sociable Asian bugger you'd meet. Heck, not the most sociable bugger you'd meet.

But that's changed now. I'm still not wildly and fanatically popular, but people actually smile at me now when I walk down corridors. And we know each other's names. =D

But anyways, here are some valuable things I learnt in Social Skills 101, that apply to anyone in any conversation.

1. If the bugger is not interested in what you are saying, SHUSH.

I learnt this the hard way. You know, me being a sci-fi chick and all, I try to talk about rockets, space guns, Star Wars, robots, pointy-eared men aboard huge ass spaceships, more robots, things like that.

But if the girl/guy you are talking to is really not interested, don't continue talking. Even though it gets you hyped up. Even though you feel that you are gonna burst into a nice bout of verbal diarrhoea.

Because people don't like verbal diarrhoea.

The only thing people hate more than verbal diarrhoea is actual diarrhoea.

So bowels aside, if the bugger doesn't give a hoot about robots, he/she isn't going to be hooty about it no matter how hard you try. If you still keep on trying, here is how the convo would be like:

Youlin: Hey, I thought that movie was pretty spiffy. You know, guy stuck on moon, with only a computer for company, going crazy...

Sister: OMG, I like so totally dig that new Maria Sharapova perfume! It's like bathing in her sweat!

Youlin: The poor astronaut though, he couldn't contact his family, and he was just a tool of the corporation...

Sister: And you know what? It's only RM 158! Imagine spritzing on some Sharapova sweat everyday! Mmm. Fresh fresh fresh!

Youlin: Mmm yes. I hear her perfume has fruity citrus zest too. So anyways, what do you think of Star Wars?

Sister: OMG I love Maria Sharapova's fruity sweat/perfume! Star whatta? Oh Stars! Like Maria Sharapova! She's MY star.

At this point Youlin's verbal diarrhoea is probably being replaced by actual diarrhoea.

BTW, visit my sister's blog here: http://www.compulsivelychanel.tumblr.com/

Maria Sharapova, sometimes I hate you. And yes, I've purposely put a photo with cleavage so that more male visitors will come to my blog. Shameless, I know.

2) Perverted jokes are a good gauge of who you would hang out with for a long time.

When you were young and still unexposed, you may have been like me when you heard a perverted joke:

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh! Get it away! Go away! How could you even think of that?"

As I got older, I found them to be funny.

Then, quite funny. Wasn't too long before I started cracking a few of my own too. Usually involving space and double meanings of words. I'll leave you to figure that out.

I needed some victims to listen to my jokes, so I tried them out on my friends. Now here's the interesting part:

The ones who don't cringe at your terrible jokes are the people who can actually tolerate you. Who can stand you. Who will stick to you like two-month old porridge sticks to your digestive system. Because they let you be you.

I have a friend who actually sang about a "place in France, where the naked ladies dance". Loud. In public. You know what, I'm still here. Still listening to it.

Now France may seem a little more interesting to you.

3) The phrase "He/She's So Hot/Smexy/Cute" is really useful.

No, dear readers, this ain't about flirting. This is about the magic phrase that can spark friendships, forge them out of seemingly nothing. Next time you see an attractive male/female passing by/on screen, don't squeal to yourself.

Squeal to other people instead. Preferably like this:

You've got to get so close, they can smell what you had for breakfast.

Chances are, some people will be disgusted by what you had for breakfast or who you're actually finding hot. (I have yet to find someone in real life who appreciates eybrows like I do, even though people generally like what I have for breakfast.) 

But never mind that. If you happen to attract the attention of someone who agrees with you, than ki-yippee-ya-hoo, you could probably end up talking/squealing the whole day. The phrase "Matt Bomer's hot." has reinforced a few friendships for me. Not only that, Matt Bomer can lead to talking about Kryptonite and the latest laptops in the market as well as a very sorry comedy film. Oh yes, Mr. Bomer is a good lead.

Not to mention you could make a crack about "Boner" as well. Refer to point 2!

P.S. I am sorry Mr. Bomer.

You don't know who Matt Bomer is? Google! And then come back and squeal with me online, via the cBox on the left.

And one last thing:

ZACHARYQUINTOEYEBROWSPAM.

Squeal with me if you agree!